I’ll start this post off by saying that I am a private person so this is a little bit out of my comfort zone. I am the unhealthiest I have ever been in my life and I hate it. I have never been a size 12 other than when I was 16 and that was after my mom forced me onto a healthy Herbal Life eating plan, but after the weight loss I gained everything back, and more, in just months. Eight years later and I’m still in the same position. This year, however, I feel as though I have passed some invisible line I wasn’t supposed to. I have worn jeans a total of two times and I was lucky the first pair fit – thank you Primark. But my other pair I wore this week? I could barely breathe. Nonetheless I forced myself into what were once my favourite denim threads just so I could look a little different from my uniform black leggings.  I was incredibly cautious to not move around too vigorously for fear of something ripping. Honestly, what kind of a life is that? I’m 24 years old and I shouldn’t have to feel like this. 
I am blessed to have someone in my life who still finds me attractive no matter what but there are times when I feel this same blessing is a form of self-inflicted entrapment. I.e. He doesn’t have a problem with it so why should I? If my S.O had to ask me to lose weight, I would. He’s my motivation and that’s not okay. Who says he’ll be around forever? What happened to doing things for me? The picture (top) in this post was what I ate when I out with a group of friends, mind you I had already eaten a sandwich an hour before yet I still went ahead and ordered a full meal – fries, white bread and a starch-packed cider. I didn’t even think about it which clearly means I’ve stopped listening to my body. I am dictating what it needs instead of it me. 
I feel fat, I feel huge and I’m tired. I have to put it out there. I don’t want to hide behind pretty pictures, makeup and good angles. This is my way of verbalising what has been plaguing my thoughts for the past four and half months. I want it to stop and I want it to change. This is an open letter to myself.

  • Oh Sweet pea, I totally get you I am in the same boat and I would like to change the way I eat too but it's just not that easy. Lets' start a healthy living challenge, I'm saying challenge because I want to go all the way i.e healthy eating and and an active lifestyle *nothing vigorous though*. LOL!

  • That sounds great! Send me an email:

  • Nonhlanhla langa

    honey! we all have our own insecurities, im not saying an unhealthy lifestyle is key, but do you !if you are unhappy about something then change it!
    but don’t let your life be stagnant on something that makes u unhappy and can actually change!
    we look up to you in so many ways! i wish you knew this!

  • Keamogetswe Motlhodi

    Just read this article as I was about to leave the studio at work… I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING you on youtube and love your confidence and focus on what you are passionate about. I really hope you are at a stage where you are more loving towards your body and are treating it well (i.e eating well (not depriving yourself) and are doing whatever workouts you enjoy when possible). Though I have never gone past a size 10 I used to feel like you. not really loving my body. So I decided to focus on gettin in shape and breaking away from my food addiction (which no one really knew and still knows about). It was not possible, but I managed to go from a 55kgs to 47kgs in 3 years and now my body is at its most comfortable and I am more confident than ever.