I’ll start this post off by saying that I am a private person so this is a little bit out of my comfort zone. I am the unhealthiest I have ever been in my life and I hate it. I have never been a size 12 other than when I was 16 and that was after my mom forced me onto a healthy Herbal Life eating plan, but after the weight loss I gained everything back, and more, in just months. Eight years later and I’m still in the same position. This year, however, I feel as though I have passed some invisible line I wasn’t supposed to. I have worn jeans a total of two times and I was lucky the first pair fit – thank you Primark. But my other pair I wore this week? I could barely breathe. Nonetheless I forced myself into what were once my favourite denim threads just so I could look a little different from my uniform black leggings. I was incredibly cautious to not move around too vigorously for fear of something ripping. Honestly, what kind of a life is that? I’m 24 years old and I shouldn’t have to feel like this.
I am blessed to have someone in my life who still finds me attractive no matter what but there are times when I feel this same blessing is a form of self-inflicted entrapment. I.e. He doesn’t have a problem with it so why should I? If my S.O had to ask me to lose weight, I would. He’s my motivation and that’s not okay. Who says he’ll be around forever? What happened to doing things for me? The picture (top) in this post was what I ate when I out with a group of friends, mind you I had already eaten a sandwich an hour before yet I still went ahead and ordered a full meal – fries, white bread and a starch-packed cider. I didn’t even think about it which clearly means I’ve stopped listening to my body. I am dictating what it needs instead of it me.
I feel fat, I feel huge and I’m tired. I have to put it out there. I don’t want to hide behind pretty pictures, makeup and good angles. This is my way of verbalising what has been plaguing my thoughts for the past four and half months. I want it to stop and I want it to change. This is an open letter to myself.